The Role of Firstborns

Firstborn (also known as an eldest child or sometimes firstling or phirst) is the first child born to in the birth order of a couple through childbirth. Historically, the role of the firstborn child has been socially significant, particularly for a firstborn son in patriarchal societies. In law, many systems have incorporated the concept of primogeniture, wherein the firstborn child inherits their parent's property. The firstborn in Judaism, the bechor, is also accorded a special position.

In Exodus, the nation of Israel is called God's firstborn son. Solomon is also called "son of God". Angels, just and pious men, and the kings of Israel are all called "sons of God." In the New Testament of the Christian Bible, "Son of God" is applied to Jesus on many occasions. Yes, am also a first born in the family of six children.

Parents are very excited when they are about to have their first baby. They make sure they have researched and purchased all the necessary items required in so far as baby care is concerned,  Once he/she is born, every cry, smile and bowel movement receives great attention .As he grows, his progress becomes extremely important to his parents and the rest of the family. New parents cherish their baby and above all, want him to be happy. They often have a secret, or not-so-secret, wish for him to do well in every sphere of his life. He should feel good about himself and of course persue a good career in the University. This is exactly what my parents (Mr. & Mrs. Ekaroti) ensured there first born son (Henry) has achieved.

Firstborns have many advantages as the sole focus of their parents' attention. The loving care and abundant attention parents give their firstborn help the child to grow up feeling self-confident, and he can become very successful in life. “First-born children are 30% more likely to be CEOs or politicians according to a new paper by several economists, Sandra E. Black at the University of Texas-Austin. The paper found out that first borns stay in school longer, make more money and even have a higher IQ”.

At the same time, the parent’s intense wish for him to succeed (after all his success means that they have done a good job) can cause a firstborn some problems. Inexperienced and insecure about how to help their child succeed, parents often push their firstborn to read by the age of three, overbook him in after school programs, and endlessly drill him in math once he starts grade school. I remember my dad asking me after scoring 381 marks out of 500 in KCPE  “What happened to the other 119 marks?”  

Parents can also establish overly demanding rules for his behavior, as well as micromanage his every move. When he sits at the dinner table, they might frequently correct him, “Sit up straight,” or “That's not the way to hold a fork.” As he goes through life, he can internalize all these demands, feel constant anxiety, and become a perfectionist.

Show your firstborn unconditional love. A touch, a hug, and telling him,” I love you,” will let your child know that he is loved for himself (not his performance). Refraining from constant criticisms will give him the message that he doesn’t have to be perfect to be loved. If he makes his bed and it’s not exactly the way you would do it, but it is good enough, thank him and be encouraging. When he shows you his picture of a tree, tell him, “Good job,” rather than commenting, “That’s not how you draw a tree” or stepping in and drawing it for him.

Acknowledge his challenges as a firstborn. When you are busy with the younger child's bedtime routine and the older one is yelling for you to read him a story, acknowledge his birth order challenge. You might say, “It’s hard to be the oldest child. Sometimes the baby urgently needs to be fed, or changed, and you have to wait for me. Why don’t you go and pick out some books and when I’m done I’ll read to you?” This helps him to understand his circumstance as an older child and to feel your support. Show him his baby pictures or videos, and point out that he received the same kind of care as the baby. This will reassure him that he is equally loved.

Try to be even-handed. It will help your older child feel equally loved and less resentful if you engage the whole family in preparing for dinner and helping with clean-up. Even a 4-year-old can place the spoons by each plate before dinner or bring his plate to the sink. Explain to your oldest that he is more developed and can do more, and that is why you ask him for help more than the younger children. Try to involve other individuals in your younger children’s care rather than always relying upon your older child ‘s assistance. Perhaps a relative or a high school student can help you put the kids to sleep or walk them to school in the morning.

Spend time alone with your firstborn. To a child, time equals attention equals love. Spending a day out with him alone reassures him that he is valued. But don’t be surprised if he returns home and still can’t share your attention with his younger siblings. He is having a hard time letting go of the pleasure he felt.

Every child in the family needs your help with the unique challenges his position in the family pose. Your communications and behavior can provide your children with much-needed support. Taking the steps outlined above will relax your firstborn, help him to comprehend his experience, express his emotions, and feel equally loved.

Being the eldest of the siblings means you get a lot of advantages and you learn a lot of important lessons—such as compassion and patience—early in your life. However, being the first born is not as smooth a ride as it is perceived, and it is not all fun and games being the oldest of your siblings. While you sometimes get to boss your siblings around and you get first dibs at everything, there is also a lot of responsibility and pressure that rests on your little shoulders if you are the first born. Indeed all first borns can agree with me that we go through some struggles. Here I share my experiences:

1. You are under more pressure to succeed at school

The older ones are also expected to be smarter and get better grades at school. If your little brother or sister gets an A in Math and you get a B, your mother looks for an answer from you. Contrastingly, if you get an A and the younger one gets a B, you are now to additionally serve as their tutor and help them excel.

2. You have to be a role model for your younger siblings and to the society.

Your younger siblings look up to you as their greatest role model and so you have to be perfect. If you are a first born, you get this constant reminder that you have to set a good example for your siblings to follow. Every time you get into trouble, it is magnified by tenfold, and you are reminded of how you are not living up to the standards of the position you hold.

3. You are blamed by your parents for everything, only because you are the oldest

Having younger siblings basically means that you are in trouble when they are in trouble. Because you are older, even if you aren’t at fault, you are the one to be blamed since you are supposed to know better. Who forgot to put the bikes in the shed before it started to snow? Your little brother, but technically it was you, because you should have made sure he did it. So, you get the blame for almost every wrong thing that they do or whenever they cause any trouble. On the other hand, they don’t get into trouble because they are “not old enough to understand.” You are actually the one who is supposed to be watching them, after all.

4. You want to be the cool one but you have to be the responsible one

You are constantly torn between being the cool one and being the responsible one. You like being cool because it’s fun, but then you are supposed to be mature and responsible.

5. You fear losing games to your younger siblings

Since you are the eldest, you like maintaining your “superior” status. Therefore, you try your best to win any game you play with the younger ones. It is a dark day for you if you lose any game to them.

6. You have to be ready for unpaid babysitting all the time

You are the babysitter for your siblings if your mother is doing the laundry, going out shopping, or is busy in the kitchen. You are the on-call babysitter and any plans that you might have do not seem to matter.

7. You had to manage your frustration when your sibling was born and everything stopped being just about you

Life seemed to be great as an only child. You got all the attention, affection, love, and care of your parents. But when the new baby made an entrance as your sibling, they became the receiver of all this attention. Frustration and jealousy engulfs you when you do not get the same amount of attention and have to share everything with your younger siblings.

8. You have to make a lot of sacrifices.

Struggling to bring personality into a first born role, making decisions is not so quick for they have to think critically of it. Sometimes others sacrifice to stop schooling for the sake of his/her siblings especially after loosing there parents. Financial support to the family is another sacrifice they make and a times give it a priority over there self life. This causes them even delay in starting there own family for they struggle much to putting everything in place first which takes much longer.

9. You are often accused of being bossy, while you are just playing your role

You have to be assertive at times to protect them and make sure that they stay out of trouble. However, this is frustrating for them and they accuse you of being bossy, when actually you are simply acting your role.

10. “Mama’s(mother’s) boy” especially for the first born sons. This perception is in the societies' minds today; women fear marrying firstborn sons because they are perceived to be so close to there mother’s more going to an extent of following what there mother’s tell them in marriage, thus making them (wife’s) feels insecure. This thus becomes a struggle for them to convince there wives that they are into the marriage as men and not “mama’s(mother’s) boys”.

Conclusion

These are just a few of the struggles that go along with being the oldest sibling. However, I advice parents to be cognisant of there position as parents over  there children, support your first borns even if they may not be financially stable.  Being eldest myself, I know that despite all responsibilities and pressures, being the oldest sibling is still one of the best things that could happen to someone, and one of the proudest titles to have. 

                                                    By Odude Henry